Resolutions?

Every new year we make an effort to lie to ourselves for two weeks about improving our diet, exercise plans, budgets, and career goals. Honestly, with impending doom at every corner here in the states, my resolution should be to stay alive. All jokes aside, though, it’s always the same old BS, and it’s time we switch it up. Let’s try to look past our wallets, waistlines, and 30-day trials at LA fitness and look at our inner selves this time.

How can you be the best version of yourself? What can you do to be that person you imagine yourself to be? I promise you; you already know the answer. Ten thousand self-help books, seminars, and endless podcasts are not it. You know what’s wrong with you, acknowledge your shit, and own it.

Take me, for example. I’m a new mom who is trying to balance life in a toxic work environment, break generational curses, deal with my mental health declining rapidly, and blaming it on exhaustion, etc. Just looking at that makes me want to call my therapist, I don’t see how going to the gym 3-4 times a week, or a juicing could be the top of my list of resolutions when I have real shit to address.

I’ve started putting my insomnia to use, spending these late nights trying to understand who I am, what I’m feeling, and why. I’ve always talked myself out of good things, pushed away those who love me unconditionally, and I really want to do so much more, and I hold myself back every time out of fear. I was lying in bed thinking about what’s been bothering me, and the voice in my head practically read me for filth. It said, “If you could take a second to stop sabotaging everything you hold dear only to have the opportunity to say ‘I knew this would fail,’ you may attract more positivity. You’re so hellbent on making sure someone lets you down because it’s easier for you to accept disappointment instead of comprehending the fact that people care about you. When will you snap out of survival mode and start living?”

Okay, ouch.

My 2020 manager is not with my shit this year. So I’m taking some leaps of faith, and it’s honestly going to have to take me swallowing a shitload of pride and embracing life as it comes. Planning for failure and disappointment out of convenience is not the move for me this time. I know what getting let down feels like, it’s been a recurring theme in my 27 years of living. Does it have to be, though? Absolutely not.

My list of resolutions is very different this year. I’m giving myself until the end of this month to write out ALL my negative feelings, grudges, gripes, etc. and then I’m going to burn it. As these things turn to ash, I’m going to leave them there and never revisit those feelings again.

Speaking of feelings, I’m going to allow myself to feel things, regardless of if they feel good, bad, or indifferent. It seems pretty counterproductive, but I’ve closed myself off for so long I think it’s time to open up a bit. I think one of the most intriguing things about being a human is the range of emotions we experience. There has to be more things to feel besides anger and discontent. I want that rush of adrenaline from taking a risk. I want to feel genuinely excited about something without the nagging feeling telling me that I don’t deserve to have happy moments.

Next up, MONEY MANAGEMENT. I am taking my finances very seriously this year for a multitude of reasons. One is that I would very much like to work for myself 100%. I can’t do that if I’m in Target all the time buying shoes as fun as it is. I spend money when I’m happy; I spend it when I sad. Depressed spending is almost like blackout drinking because you really don’t know the damage you’ve done until the packages start rolling in. Boxes are coming in, and I kid you not. I had NO idea when I ordered this stuff, and I’m freaking out because more things are on the way.

Setting a budget and being disciplined with my money is hard to do, and I did find out that poor money management is sometimes related to unforgiveness, self-esteem issues, and self-worth.

Oof.

It looks like I’ll be writing a letter to my own shitty toxic behaviors so that I can stop using retail therapy as a coping mechanism. Hooray.

It looks like I’ll be writing a letter to my own shitty toxic behaviors so that I can stop using retail therapy as a coping mechanism. Hooray.
On a lighter note, I am planning to do a few collaborations with other creators, and I have some really amazing things in the works that I won’t share until they’re done, but I’m really excited for 2020. I’m trying to stay optimistic since we are on the brink of WWIII, ugh.

I’ve attached below a 2020 To- Do List for you to screenshot, you can also download it from my Instagram too. You aren’t obligated to follow it, but I think it’d be helpful with living your life with intention this year. Have a wonderful 2020!

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