“Oh, I didn’t know you were suffering.” Although the phone was to my ear, I stepped back. Suffering? Me? I hadn’t realized that in the whirlwind of emotions, I was experiencing the toll it took on my health. It was either that or the fact that I compartmentalized so much of my feelings and traumas that they were practically seeping out in my actions, dialogue, and disposition. Postpartum is an experience, and for me, it opened my eyes and my heart. Raw emotion is not my strong suit, emotions are not my strong suit, so when you’re someone like me having virtually no control over how you feel you face two options. Continue to run and eventually blow up from bottled emotions or you can heal.
I am a very prideful person. I have come to accept that after all these years. My weakness is constantly worrying how people around me perceive me, and I also don’t let people in, so you can see how that becomes a dilemma. How can I expect to be perceived a certain way when I’m not my authentic self at all times. It’s tiring being guarded yet approachable, timid and extremely prideful, I knew something had to give. And after some alcohol-induced self-reflection, I realized that pride was the main reason why I’ve harbored so much over the years. I am driving myself insane with unforgiveness, resentment, grief, anger, etc. There were people I needed to apologize to, forgive, and mend relationships with, and it took me having the WORST mood swing of my life to realize I needed to get it together.
I’d been prompted a few times by someone close to me to reach out to my biological father to see if he’d want to meet my new little family. I’d been avoiding that conversation with him and my siblings on his side for a long time. I was bitter, angry, I felt abandoned, and even though I had father figures, I’m sure it’s nothing like having your own dad. I couldn’t relate, so I pushed it down and coped in unhealthy ways and blamed my toxic behaviors on his absence. We did reconnect on Father’s Day ironically, and I look forward to seeing him and have him meet Savannah.
I also took time out to apologize to an old friend of mine. We’d grown close over the course of a few months, and we eventually became inseparable. We’d go out for drinks and dinner, plan business ideas, go to seminars, have sleepovers, shop, motivate and push each other. It was the ideal BFF. We had nicknames for each other, inside jokes, and we shared just about everything. So what went wrong? Miscommunication + No Communication + Pride and Indifference = how we drifted apart. Could it all have been cleared up if we communicated and set boundaries? Hell yeah, but mutually we didn’t want any confrontation, and although it was a minor disagreement, we just shut down completely. It sucked; it still sucks because I genuinely miss her as a friend. I don’t take seeing people in my dreams lightly, so after the third night, I decided I was going to reach out, but then I didn’t. I kept teetering on sending the text or not, I didn’t know if she’d respond or even see it, but after another Jack and Coke, I swallowed my pride and hit send. My apology was accepted, and that weight was now off my shoulders. We may not reconnect or be as close as we were before, but I longer have that discomfort or weird feeling in the back of my mind regarding her and our history.
Mending things with them over the last week brought me some peace, and although I’m battling other mental health issues, it helped me out significantly. I urge you all to find peace in places where your pride has you bound. It is imperative for you to push forward and own your faults and toxic behaviors and grow from them. Repair broken things for you not the other person. Heal for peace. Heal for you.