Lesson Learned

“She definitely said she’d be back sometime in March”

Don’t worry, I feel bad too even though I shouldn’t. My life has been such a rollercoaster I couldn’t even think about writing! SO I’m cutting myself some well deserved slack. If it’s one thing I’ve learned from being pregnant and having my baby is that NOTHING goes according to plan and sometimes you have to roll with the punches. Now if you know me, I’m not a roll with the punches kind of person, my anxiety doesn’t leave me enough room to be carefree. I like for things to follow a structured step by step plan with no mistakes or hiccups. So you could imagine my surprise when I was told they wanted to induce me a week early because of her size. My plan for Savannah’s birth was to be a quick, natural birth on my due date with no problems or surprises. Flash forward to April 10th, I’m writhing in pain waiting for the epidural to kick in and after an unsuccessful induction they tell me the one thing I didn’t want to hear…C-Section. It was my last resort in my birth plan and now it was my only option. I didn’t tell many people, but I had anxiety attacks about dying during childbirth and I just couldn’t have prayed hard enough that I would live to see my family and my daughter by the end of the night. I was terrified, absolutely terrified but it wasn’t just about me anymore. It was nowhere for me to run, no way to back out, my inner escape artist was at a loss. I had to face this unknown right then and there and it was nothing I could do about it. Luckily everything went perfectly, Savannah’s dad was the absolute best because he talked to me through the entire surgery to keep me distracted and I’m beyond grateful for that. Before I knew it Savannah was out and I was sobbing with relief that she was okay and I wasn’t dead. I’d hit a turning point after I transitioned into motherhood, I quickly realized I no longer have room or time to make excuses. I can’t be the selfish woman I took so much pride in being, I finally have someone to be selfless for. I now have to face everything head on, not just for me, but for the sake of my family. I can’t just conveniently ghost them when I feel like things aren’t working in my favor. I can’t make up an excuse as to why I can’t deliver or avoid everything as a whole and it’s honestly terrifying and overwhelming to think about! The strength that I’ve always dreamed of having activated the moment I went into labor, I had to be brave, fearless and ready for anything. I always tell myself that if I can get through childbirth, I can literally do anything at this point in my life. I’m pushing through postpartum depression and anxiety, gaining my strength and confidence, appreciating my body no matter how much it hurts, and most of all loving the exhausted woman I see in the mirror.

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